How do we say thank you?

Instead of hand writing thank you notes to everyone who reached out and supported us during our pregnancy, Astrid’s death, and the subsequent weeks, I decided to write a longer letter to friends and family – sharing more about what we went through during my pregnancy and what Astrid’s life and death taught me.

I picked out the brightest envelopes I could find and found stationery to match. Not only did my words contain heart-felt thanks, but the writing process also proved to be therapeutic in a way I didn’t imagine.

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Dear family and friends,

My intention was to write individualized thank you notes to everyone who has prayed for, supported, and loved us during what has been one of the most difficult times in our family’s life.  As I began to do so, I found myself writing the same message over and over, not because it was superficial, but because it was honest & full of emotion.  I felt it was important to share with everyone.

Many of you did not know we were pregnant until we recently reached out asking for prayers and explained what was going on.  The pandemic kept us contained at home, so very few saw the visible sign of our pregnancy.  Looking back, I suppose this was a blessing as well as a hardship.  A blessing in that I didn’t feel the need to tearfully tell everyone who inquired about our pregnancy how our little girl was actually really sick.  And a hardship in that it was difficult to not be able to share (in person) with those who care about us. 

We had 25 weeks with our sweet little girl.  During that time, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I frequently found myself asking the questions, “Why is this happening? What could this experience possibly teach me?”  If I stopped to think, I could probably come up with many lessons that I’ve learned, however the ones that stand out the most are the lessons about loving and being loved.

Starting at week 10 of the pregnancy, Jake and I were aware of the possibility of Astrid not having the opportunity to come live with us here on earth. However, we knew from the first appointment that indicated that something was not quite right, that we would give this baby (we didn’t know she was a girl yet) every opportunity to live out her life for as long as God planned.  We did not take the time we had with her for granted.  We celebrated after every weekly heartbeat check.  We thanked God every night for another day with her.  We prayed with her and her siblings each evening.  She was also part of three birthdays and several holidays including Mother’s Day.  She heard her siblings speak to her, tell her hello, goodnight, and I love you.  She was part of the commotion of daily life, e-learning for her siblings, and evening conversations between Jake and me.  I have no doubt in my mind that she knew she was loved.  Loving her was easy to do.

Most of you know the last 2.5 years have been challenging ones for our family – to say the least.  There are many layers to those challenges and I’ve been slowly making my way through them.  I was talking to my friend, Michelle, in the cemetery after Astrid’s burial and she shared an observation with me that I’ve been pondering ever since.  She told me (lovingly) that for most of my life I have felt that I need to be, or do, or act a certain way in order to receive the love and approval of certain individuals.  It is exhausting and the toll it takes on one’s self-esteem is significant.  She asked me to look at the last 2.5 years of life’s challenges from a different perspective.  What I have gone through has allowed me to see just how much our friends and other relatives love me as I am – imperfections and all.  (The same goes for Jake and our kids.) People aren’t expecting me to be anyone other than myself, aren’t expecting favors to be returned, and only want to show us love.  Standing next to her, I was overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry with gratefulness.  My family has been blessed with such wonderful friends and relatives. We really do feel loved. It’s my own insecurities that have made me feel unworthy of the kindness people have shown us. That’s something I am working on and Astrid’s brief earthly life and death are helping me continue to do so.

If you are receiving this letter, it is because you have not only made a difference in our journey through the loss of Astrid, but likely the last 2.5 years as well.

We have experienced your love through prayers.

We have experienced your love through meals.

We have experienced your love through cards & flowers.

We have experienced your love through taking care of our kids.

We have experienced your love through text messages and emails checking in on us.

We have experienced your love through memorials in Astrid’s honor.

We have experienced your love through support at the cemetery.

We have experienced your love through your friendship.

Your gestures, large and small, have shown the six of us how truly loved and supported we are.  Thank you.

With gratitude & love,

Jacob, Veronica, Nolan, Lincoln, Ingrid & Helena

(Astrid Philomena’s family)

“But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we also await a savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. He will change our lowly body to conform with his glorified body by the power that enables him also to bring all things into subjection to himself.”   Philippians 3:20,21