Tag: Shecklet #5

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Three – 2023 šŸ©·

We really havenā€™t had what anyone in MN would call ā€œSpringā€ this year. In spite of that, my memories of the final weeks we had with Astrid have been running through my mind.

Last month I attended the funeral for a young woman I never met but had recently met her parents. In the eulogies prior to the funeral service, her youngest brother spoke about how during a period of time when the young woman was not around for family gatherings, he would do a head count, feel her missing presence, and recognize his family was ā€œnot complete.ā€ These two words struck me at my heart – I feel them two ways. One, as the missing person and two, as the person missing someone else.

When you lose a child who no one ever had the chance to meet ā€œin real life,ā€ it makes for interesting introductions. When someone asks how many kids I have, I almost always say 4. Itā€™s not that Iā€™m ashamed or embarrassed that I have two others (one miscarried and one stillborn,) rather, those are sacred parts of my life that I reserve for people who have earned the right to know. But as I answer the question about kids, I feel the words ā€œnot completeā€ in my chest. Itā€™s a heaviness that I doubt will ever go away.

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Motherā€™s Day 2023

5/14/23

Today is sandwiched between a day I remember as a painfully low day and one that brought immense joy. Three years ago on 5/13/20, we found out that Astrid had died. Tomorrow is her older brotherā€™s birthday. And though it will get its own post, I will briefly mention that Astridā€™s birth day is the next day, 5/16.

Next year it looks like I will be spared the aligning of her non-heartbeat day with Motherā€™s Day. Iā€™m grateful for that. As the parent of a child who died before they ā€œshouldā€ have, these Hallmark holidays can be especially difficult. Itā€™s a fine line to walk being excited to have kids around and yet recognizing things are not complete. Someone is missing. (Two someones, actually.) And while I do want to be upbeat and cheery for my four Shecklets, my melancholic self tends to notice who is missing. And that makes me sad.

I canā€™t believe it has been three years since we lost Astrid. The times I imagine her as the age she ā€œshouldā€ be are fewer than in the past, but I do tend to picture her as an almost three year old around this time of year. I see my four kids getting older, growing in independence, and I enjoy each one of the so much. And yet, when I stop and look, I realize my picture is not complete. Someone is missing.

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PPFL Banquet 2022

We were invited to attend the 2002 Prenatal Partners for Life banquet this evening. Mary Kellett contacted us to see if we were available to use three of the tickets purchased by a group who was no longer able to attend and wanted to offer them to someone else. We were able to take Shecklet #3 with us. It was her first “fancy” dinner.

During the presentation part of the event, we heard the story of a family who lost their little girl due to a chromosome defect. They were blessed to have a few days with her prior to her passing. It turned out that the little girl is the sweet baby who is buried next to Astrid. I ran into her mom while exiting the restroom and introduced myself. She told me that it is her MIL who will leave flowers at Astrid’s grave when she visits her granddaughter. I have often wondered who is behind the heart-warming gesture – now I know.

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Happy birth day, Astrid! 2022

Two years since we said goodbye. It feels like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time. A friend posted this quote from St. Oscar Romero on social media and felt it was a accurate description for what I often feel when I shed tears about not having Astrid physically present with us.

We visited the cemetery tonight after dinner and brought flowers and mini cupcakes to celebrate our sweet little saint. Happy Birth Day, Astrid! We love and miss you so much!

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Our citizenship is in heaven

12:20am on Palm Sunday 2022, my godmother and aunt, Deb, took her final breath here on earth and joined her loved ones in heaven – including our sweet Astrid.

My SIL was one of a handful of people who knew that my aunt was in her last days and had been praying for her and our family. After telling Bri of Debā€™s passing, she shared the verse from Philippians that clearly God keeps putting in my life.

Itā€™s the same verse we put on Astridā€™s marker and that I wrote on our sanctuary floor not once, but twice.

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Saying goodbye

I made a trip to Duluth today to spend time with my Aunt Deb who was placed on hospice on this past Monday. The drive was gloomy and wet, which fit the heaviness of the reason behind my visit.

Once at the hospital, I was able to spend about five hours beside Debā€™s hospital bed. For most of the afternoon, she rested peacefully. Toward the end of my stay, she began getting restless. The nurses who cared for her were kind and worked to get her comfortable again by administering enough pain meds to calm her down.

Cancer is a horrible disease. It has taken a vibrant, sharp, kind, and confident woman from her friends and family. Her presence in our lives will be missed tremendously.

Before I left, I whispered to my aunt that I loved her and asked her to hug my sweet Astrid when she gets to heaven. I know she will be welcomed by a host of family and friends who are waiting for her when it is her time to pass from this life to the next.

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Spring break 2022

We spent the week at home. Jake traveled for work during the beginning of the week.

Shecklet #2 suggested we add some color to the study room, so we pulled down ceiling tiles and primed them for painting.

Three kids used the painterā€™s tape technique to paint design their designs and one used a sponge technique.

Once the weather warmed up enough, the kids put on their shorts (it was in the 50ā€™s šŸ˜†) and went for their first bike ride of 2022.

Update: April 16. I chose to paint a family of gnomes. After painting six, Shecklet #2 asked if I was planning to paint one for Astrid. I found a design that incorporated a halo. I love how it turned out! šŸ’•

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Orchids for Astrid

Jake and I took a stained glass class together at The Artery Studio tonight. It was so much fun!

We received three orchid plants after our daughter Astrid died, but I was never able to get them to bloom a second time. We made these to remember our sweet little girl šŸ’— (and bonus, they donā€™t need to be watered!)

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Standing on the Word of God – 2022

Our parishā€™s sanctuary has been expanded and part of the remodel involves new flooring. Before the marble is installed, parishioners were given a chance to write a verse on the concrete. (We did this a few years ago prior to the new carpet installed.) Philippians 3: 20, 21 is the verse that is on Astridā€™s marker. ā¤ļø I didn’t realize this until just now when I found my 2017 post, but Phil 3:20 is the verse I chose back then, too.