Two words no expectant mom wants to hear. No heartbeat. The visual on the screen confirms it is true.
We are heartbroken.
Appointment with OB tomorrow to determine next steps. The doctor I saw at my ultrasound today wants me to deliver within this week due to the increased risk to my health if I continue to carry the baby. I’m measuring 5 weeks ahead of where I should be. There is so. much. fluid.
Telling the kids was one of the hardest (if not the hardest) thing I have had to do. This baby was so wanted, so loved.
I cannot believe this is our reality and don’t understand why.
It’s Jake’s birthday today. The second family birthday we’re celebrating in quarantine-mode. He requested take-out from Ole Piper Inn and an ice cream cake. His sister, Larissa, was also able to join us. (The cake was part of my Walmart pick-up order and was slightly less than perfect, but it couldn’t beat his “Barthday” cake from several years ago.)
For presents, he told me the best one would be getting a text from me after my weekly midwife appointment telling him I heard the baby’s heartbeat. Thankfully the baby was more than happy to give him that gift.
We booked an appointment at Before Birth 4D Imaging to see if we could get a few updated (better) pictures of baby and determine gender. Once again, Baby Sheck made us fully aware of who is in charge. Not only were we not able to find out boy vs. girl, but baby’s face didn’t have enough amniotic fluid in front of it to get a decent 4D image. (The ultrasound tech told us that baby’s face was facing outward, up near the left side of my rib cage, and right up against the uterine wall. Not exactly the most comfortable place for mama, but baby seems content there.)
We continue to feel like this child is a girl and have been discussing names along those lines. If it turns out we’re incorrect, we’re going to have to scramble to come up with a fitting boy name.
It was nice to go to an appointment where Jake could accompany me. I’m especially glad he was able to see the baby move, swallow, stick out it’s tongue (it’s totally a Sheck kid) and see the little heart beating away.
As a gift, the owner/ultrasound tech recorded our baby’s heartbeat and placed the recording device inside a teddy bear. We can hear 16 seconds of Shecklet #5’s little heart beating strong and consistent. This baby is a fighter!
I was going to write one long post and include everything at once, but what I was writing was turning into a very long post, so I figured it was better to write as things develop.
We had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday. Due to COVID-19, Jake wasn’t able to accompany me to the appointment. I understand the need for caution, but it sucked.
The first glimpse of our little one was all I needed to know that things were not going in a positive direction. The internet is full of wonderful and horrible things all at the same time, and I’ve done enough research to know that what I was looking at on the screen in front of me was a lot of fluid built up where I knew it shouldn’t be. The cystic hygroma behind baby’s head/neck was large (I was shocked when I saw the actual size in my visit notes online) and there was substantial fluid buildup in his/her belly. From there on out, I let the tears flow as the ultrasound technician looked at the rest of the baby – lungs, leg & arm bones, kidneys, stomach, head/brain, and a detailed look at the heart (fetal echo.) She attempted to determine the gender of our baby, but our little one didn’t want to cooperate. Of the two things I was hoping we’d see – lower fluid amounts and gender – I saw neither. I’m pretty disappointed.
Once the ultrasound was complete, the technician went to speak with the MFM doctor and pediatric cardiologist to share what she found. After I don’t know how many minutes sitting alone in the room, the MFM doctor came in and introduced himself. I called Jake and put him on speakerphone so he could hear what the doctor had to say.
I already knew the news was not going to be positive, and the doctor confirmed that (in the kindest way he could.) While he didn’t eliminate all hope for our baby, after reading the visit notes today, it seems quite likely that we won’t get to meet our little one this side of heaven. It breaks my heart to read the words “likely fetal demise” in my visit notes. It hurts so much to know there is nothing that we can do to change the outcome of our child’s life. It was so sad to share this update with our kids when we got home yesterday afternoon.
Our baby has “severe hydrops fetalis” (non-immune type.) The fluid building up in our sweet baby’s abdomen is putting stress on other organs such as the heart, lungs, and kidneys. Because we have chosen to not have an amniocentesis, we are choosing to not determine whether the cause of all that’s going on is a genetic abnormality. However, all signs are pointing in that direction since the heart looks “ok” considering everything else that is going on. Going forward, I’m supposed to continue with weekly heartbeat checks for baby and blood pressure checks for me. There’s something called “mirror syndrome” that can occur in pregnant moms whose babies have hydrops.
I told a couple of friends (via text) yesterday that I don’t even know what to pray for right now, so I just keep repeating, “Jesus, I trust in you.” Because really, that’s the only thing that I can bring myself to do. That, and to offer up my suffering for my friend and her family whose son was tragically killed on 3/20/2020.
My head knows God has a plan, a reason, for all of this. But my heart is really struggling to understand.
We weren’t able to get a good updated profile picture of Shecklet #5, but we did get some other photos of our little fighter!
Back in December, we found out that we are expecting another Shecklet – due late August. Physically, this pregnancy has been rough. I’m tired, battling nausea and pregnancy sickness, and my patience is not what I would like for it to be. I wish I could turn a corner and start to feel better.
At my 10 week appointment, I had a dating ultrasound and it showed something of concern. Baby’s nuchal translucency was thicker than they expected to see at this time.
Shecklet #5’s armsShecklet #5
I had follow-up appointment (Jake was able to accompany me) with a perinatologist at 13 weeks along that showed that our baby has a cystic hygroma that grew substantially since my 10 week appointment. The doctor said the baby’s lymphatic system isn’t draining fluid like it should, so it’s building up around the back of the head and down the back. The most likely causes are a chromosome abnormality or heart defect. We did not opt to have any further testing to determine the cause at this time, largely because there isn’t anything that can be done medically. Also, for me, having more information right now would likely just lead to increased anxiety.
Our sweet Shecklet #5
The prognosis we were given is not good. I was told I could see my midwife weekly for heartbeat checks and if the baby is still fighting at 20 weeks, I would then have a Level II ultrasound and fetal echo. We would also revisit prognosis and potential blood tests for further information.
We told the kids about their new sibling (and how the baby is sick) when I reached about 16 weeks along. Jake also shared with his family and we have gradually been telling our friends. I am praying that this baby would be physically healed of all issues – if that is God’s will for him/her. I am also really trying hard to just be present in the moment and be thankful for each day we are given with this new life.
Baby bump on 3/28/2020
I will be 20 weeks along this weekend. I don’t want to say I wasn’t expecting to make it this far, but from what the doctor told me back at week 13, it does seem a bit surprising. I continue to treasure each day we have with this baby and am grateful for the opportunity to feel him/her move. It’s heart has been beating strong at every weekly check. Now we wait to see what the ultrasound and echo tell us on 4/10. I know that making it to 20 weeks is not some magical milestone. I know that God’s plan for this baby may not be for us to bring him/her home to live with us. But I do know that His plan is good, this child exists(!) He loves this child, and we have been given the opportunity to love them too.
