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How do we say thank you?

Instead of hand writing thank you notes to everyone who reached out and supported us during our pregnancy, Astrid’s death, and the subsequent weeks, I decided to write a longer letter to friends and family – sharing more about what we went through during my pregnancy and what Astrid’s life and death taught me.

I picked out the brightest envelopes I could find and found stationery to match. Not only did my words contain heart-felt thanks, but the writing process also proved to be therapeutic in a way I didn’t imagine.

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Dear family and friends,

My intention was to write individualized thank you notes to everyone who has prayed for, supported, and loved us during what has been one of the most difficult times in our family’s life.  As I began to do so, I found myself writing the same message over and over, not because it was superficial, but because it was honest & full of emotion.  I felt it was important to share with everyone.

Many of you did not know we were pregnant until we recently reached out asking for prayers and explained what was going on.  The pandemic kept us contained at home, so very few saw the visible sign of our pregnancy.  Looking back, I suppose this was a blessing as well as a hardship.  A blessing in that I didn’t feel the need to tearfully tell everyone who inquired about our pregnancy how our little girl was actually really sick.  And a hardship in that it was difficult to not be able to share (in person) with those who care about us. 

We had 25 weeks with our sweet little girl.  During that time, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I frequently found myself asking the questions, “Why is this happening? What could this experience possibly teach me?”  If I stopped to think, I could probably come up with many lessons that I’ve learned, however the ones that stand out the most are the lessons about loving and being loved.

Starting at week 10 of the pregnancy, Jake and I were aware of the possibility of Astrid not having the opportunity to come live with us here on earth. However, we knew from the first appointment that indicated that something was not quite right, that we would give this baby (we didn’t know she was a girl yet) every opportunity to live out her life for as long as God planned.  We did not take the time we had with her for granted.  We celebrated after every weekly heartbeat check.  We thanked God every night for another day with her.  We prayed with her and her siblings each evening.  She was also part of three birthdays and several holidays including Mother’s Day.  She heard her siblings speak to her, tell her hello, goodnight, and I love you.  She was part of the commotion of daily life, e-learning for her siblings, and evening conversations between Jake and me.  I have no doubt in my mind that she knew she was loved.  Loving her was easy to do.

Most of you know the last 2.5 years have been challenging ones for our family – to say the least.  There are many layers to those challenges and I’ve been slowly making my way through them.  I was talking to my friend, Michelle, in the cemetery after Astrid’s burial and she shared an observation with me that I’ve been pondering ever since.  She told me (lovingly) that for most of my life I have felt that I need to be, or do, or act a certain way in order to receive the love and approval of certain individuals.  It is exhausting and the toll it takes on one’s self-esteem is significant.  She asked me to look at the last 2.5 years of life’s challenges from a different perspective.  What I have gone through has allowed me to see just how much our friends and other relatives love me as I am – imperfections and all.  (The same goes for Jake and our kids.) People aren’t expecting me to be anyone other than myself, aren’t expecting favors to be returned, and only want to show us love.  Standing next to her, I was overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry with gratefulness.  My family has been blessed with such wonderful friends and relatives. We really do feel loved. It’s my own insecurities that have made me feel unworthy of the kindness people have shown us. That’s something I am working on and Astrid’s brief earthly life and death are helping me continue to do so.

If you are receiving this letter, it is because you have not only made a difference in our journey through the loss of Astrid, but likely the last 2.5 years as well.

We have experienced your love through prayers.

We have experienced your love through meals.

We have experienced your love through cards & flowers.

We have experienced your love through taking care of our kids.

We have experienced your love through text messages and emails checking in on us.

We have experienced your love through memorials in Astrid’s honor.

We have experienced your love through support at the cemetery.

We have experienced your love through your friendship.

Your gestures, large and small, have shown the six of us how truly loved and supported we are.  Thank you.

With gratitude & love,

Jacob, Veronica, Nolan, Lincoln, Ingrid & Helena

(Astrid Philomena’s family)

“But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we also await a savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. He will change our lowly body to conform with his glorified body by the power that enables him also to bring all things into subjection to himself.”   Philippians 3:20,21

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6/16/2020 – one month

I find myself making note of “anniversaries” every week. Things like “I should be X number of weeks pregnant now,” or “it’s been X weeks since we were told there was no heartbeat,” or X weeks since I delivered Astrid,” or “we buried our daughter X weeks ago.”

Today marks 1 month since we went to the hospital to start my induction and subsequent delivery of Astrid. I still catch myself wondering if this has all been a dream. I scroll through the photos we took in the hospital (and while wishing we had taken more) am grateful for the ones we did take.

I miss our baby girl so much.

Her older sister, Shecklet #4, asked to see pictures of her little sister last night. (I had been waiting for her to ask rather than ask if she wanted to see them.) She asked a few questions about her skin color, but other than that, just commented about how small her fingers were and how cute her feet were. She would have been so good at loving her little sister here on earth.

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Reminder of her presence

From Fr. Joseph:

“You didn’t lose you baby, she is more with you than ever before. Now, she in turn is protecting you and interceding for you who have so generously given her life.

Emotions will come and go for a while. That is the true sign of love. Be kind to yourself.”

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5/30/20 – Range of Emotions

Two weeks ago I delivered Astrid. If you were to see me today, it’s highly unlikely you could tell I was still pregnant 14 days ago. The realization that there is no longer an outward sign of my pregnancy makes me so sad. Jake feels that sadness, too.

Yesterday was a good day. I told a friend of mine who was checking in on me that I felt guilty admitting that it was a good day. I laughed, smiled, and enjoyed the beautiful weather. Such a stark contrast to last week when I was back in the hospital overnight or two weeks ago as I spent the last night at home with Astrid with me. My friend reassured me that it was ok. That it’s good to have good days. Not that I needed her permission, but it was good to hear her say that to me.

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Memorial Day Weekend Visitors

Our good friends drove up from KS to spend the weekend with us. I can’t really put in to words how much our hearts were comforted by their willingness to come spend time talking, crying, laughing, and just sitting with us.

I forgot to get an updated photo of Shecklet #4 with her godparents, so their visit gave me the opportunity to do so.

And also capture a group kid photo. This group had such a good time together (yet again!)

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5/21/20 – 5/22/20 — ER & overnight

As if there needed to be more emotional stress added to life right now, I went to the ER after Astrid’s funeral due to running a temp and feeling pretty crummy overall. (It started on 5/20, led to phone calls with the nurseline in the evening and morning of 5/21 as well as a televisit on 5/21 prior to Astrid’s funeral.) While I was in the ER, my BP went high (for me) and I was running a temp of 104 degrees. The combination of those two issues made me very nervous. (Once again, Jake was not able to be with me. I drove myself to the ER and texted him updates along the way.)

After having an ultrasound, it was determined that I needed a D&C to remove retained tissue (placenta) and be treated for an infection. Once I had the surgery and they started me on IV antibiotics, I began to feel much better. They admitted me overnight due to the high temp and told me if I remained fever free for 24 hours, I could go home.

I didn’t really sleep in the hospital, but did rest relatively well and was able to eat. By the time Friday evening came, I was feeling much better and was ready to head home. Jake brought the kids to pick me up around 6pm. It was so good to see all of them. It’s been a rough 24 hours.

While I was resting and receiving antibiotics and fluids on 5/22, I had two friends text me the Gospel reading and reflection for the day from the Word Among Us – John 16:20-23.

I love that my friends thought of me when they read this reflection. I needed to hear these words today.

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5/21/20 – Funeral Mass & Burial

Today we buried our daughter. Her place of rest is near the babies of several of our good friends. When Jake suggested we choose St. John’s Cemetery for Astrid, I immediately said yes. I can’t think of anywhere else I would want her to be than near the other little saints we know.

Her funeral mass was beautiful. Due to COVID-19 restrictions, the six of us were only allowed to be present for her funeral. (We had hoped the mass could be recorded so we could share it with a few people, but it turns out the recording didn’t work. I was extremely disappointed.) While it was sad to not have others who are also grieving our little girl’s death there to celebrate her short life with us, it was ok. I didn’t feel anxious about needing to comfort others or relive the events of the last week over and over.

Astrid’s brothers and biggest sister read the readings and intentions during mass. They did a great job honoring their little sister. Fr. Jim gave a lovely homily and even incorporated the heart sign that I put over my belly on Mother’s Day.

Jacob carried her casket (made by Trappist Monks in Iowa) out of the church and then from the hearse to the grave site. We are so grateful for the beautiful ministry of the monks who made her casket (and our parish for having it available for us.)

At the grave site, Fr. Jim prayed with us (and a few friends and family who were able to join us.) I’m grateful for the love and support we felt in the cemetery. Five of the six of us took a turn shoveling dirt on top of the vault and then each of Astrid’s siblings placed a pink rose on top. I really hope that being part of her burial is an act of love that they will always be able to look back on.

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5/20/20 – The night before

I was reflecting today that a week ago was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy with Astrid. No heartbeat. Information about induction. Fast forward a week and it’s the eve of Astrid’s funeral. Writing that is so hard. Grief has hit me in more waves today. I get choked up at the littlest thoughts of her and how, as my friend Sara put it, we “had to fit a lifetime of loving into just a few short moments.”

This isn’t how it is supposed to be.

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5/19/20 – Additional planning

Astrid’s Grandma Patti (Jake’s mom) offered for us to use the baptismal gown that Jake and his siblings were baptized in to wrap around Astrid when she is laid to rest. The dress was made by her Great-grandma Lois and is a similar design to the one that Grandma Lois made for the Shecklets’ baptisms. Jake brought the gown over to the funeral home yesterday afternoon.

Today we heard back from our Judy from our parish, who has been guiding us through planning Astrid’s funeral mass. We did some minor additions to music and asked for Shecklet #3 to change roles with Jake so she could read the intentions at mass. Shecklet #1 will read the first reading (Wisdom 3: 1 – 3, 9) and Shecklet #2 will read the second (Philippians 3: 20, 21.)

Two of our friends worked together to create a Meal Train for us for the next few weeks and we have been blessed with two meals thus far. Much like when we returned home from my brain surgery in CA, being provided a meal during a time of recovery, and in this case, recovery & loss, is a gift that means so much. I know people say “it’s the least I can do,” but really, it means way more to us.

I keep scrolling through the photos we took of our time with Astrid in the hospital. We still have not had a chance to look at the ones taken by our nurses, but we will get there. The organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, that is available to take photos for families experiencing the loss of their babies was not able to come to the hospital to take photos for us, but they do offer a retouching service. Once we’ve looked at all of the pictures we have of Astrid, I plan to send a selection to them in hopes that they can be retouched if possible.