We went to mass this morning to remember Astrid and hear her name read as part of the intentions during mass. Two of my girlfriends surprised us and joined us. Another friend sent me a photo of their family remembrance table where they pray for family and friends who have died. I am so grateful for the people who continue to pray for us and remember our sweet little girl.
Our parish gave us a candle with Astrid’s name on it after mass. I placed it alongside the Hope cross that my friend, Heidi, gave me after our miscarriage in 2009.
November is a month when we remember our loved ones who have died. Trusting in God’s goodness, we believe our little girl is a saint in heaven and is waiting and praying for us until we can meet her again one day.
There’s a saying I’ve seen on the internet that has brought me comfort when I find myself missing Astrid.
“…and to think, the first thing she saw when her little eyes opened was the face of Jesus.” 💕
The ache of missing her doesn’t go away, but there is no sadness or worry about her being alone. I know she is in the best company possible and I look forward to joining her one day.
Astrid’s photo is part of the display of members of the parish who died in the past year.
As with almost everything else 2020, Halloween is a bit different this year. The Shecklets did different activities today. (We opted to skip door to door trick-or-treating this year.)
Shecklet #2 did this with his friend:
Shecklet #1 and Shecklet #3 did this with Grandma & Grandpa:
And Shecklet #4 went trunk or treating at our church. Kids typically dress up as a saint for our parish’s annual All Saints Day party. This year, all on her own, #4 said she wanted to be St. Philomena in honor of her baby sister. I may or may not have gotten a little misty-eyed when she told me her plan.
This morning, our family walked in the 2020 NILMDTS Virtual Remembrance Walk in honor of Astrid.
Top: Astrid’s name was read as part of the virtual ceremony for the remembrance walk. Lower left: The six of us walked together around the neighborhood. Lower right: My SIL gave me Color Street nail strips that were in recognition Pregnancy, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss awareness month. Astrid’s sisters each had a few fingers with them, too.
This year’s remembrance walk is a virtual walk. I ordered a T-shirt (Astrid’s name is on the back) and we will walk together as a family next Saturday. Maybe next year we will be able to join in a live walk again (like we did in support of our friends last fall.)
We ordered Astrid’s grave marker today. My list of things I never thought I’d have to do keeps growing.
The granite we selected comes from South Dakota. I have extended family who live there and were a great support to me during my pregnancy and after Astrid’s death. Jake and I like the extra special connection that Astrid’s marker will have because of where the granite is from.
Due to COVID, we weren’t able to have a professional photographer come to the hospital after Astrid was born to take photos for us. We relied on my old iPhone 6S to capture the only pictures we have of our daughter. Thankfully, that worked ok. Definitely not professional quality, but I’m grateful for every one we took.
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) is the organization we would have contacted about sending a photographer to the hospital. Instead, we were able to upload photos to them and have them retouched. What they returned to us (in an amazingly short time,) are beautiful. I cried when I saw them. They did a wonderful job softening Astrid’s skin and lightening it so we could see her delicate features. She was so beautiful.
I hope to make a photo book and not only include the retouched photos but the blog post content I wrote during my pregnancy and after. I think it would be nice to have her story in a book that we can flip through and remember her. I miss her so much!
Today I should be celebrating that my due date has come and that Shecklet #5 can join us anytime.
Instead of that “should,” we picked up DQ (thanks to friends) and visited the cemetery where our little girl is buried – Jake’s parents joined us. (I don’t envision DQ as a treat every time we visit, but I can see it being the way we celebrate her sweet life when we visit on days like 5/16 – the day she was born.) The girls brought flowers from home to lay on her grave.
We don’t have her grave marker yet, so no one else knows where she has been laid to rest. My therapist is holding me accountable by checking in to see that I make progress on having a marker made. It is yet another task I never dreamed I would have to do for one of our kids.
The “shoulds” of her life were cut short. Too short in my opinion, but my opinion is just that, an opinion. I can’t see the big picture that God can see. I’ve had hopes of seeing something good come from her death. I know I’ve experienced one major one – loving my daughter and being loved unconditionally by others who have supported us. But the still-hurting part of me was really hoping that losing her would be the catalyst for reconciling/healing a few relationships that have been broken for almost three years. (I’ve added that to the list of things to discuss in therapy.)
I don’t imagine 8/23 as a day I will reflect on annually. I’m hoping once will be it. It’s a day that never came to be (from a pregnancy standpoint) and I don’t know if I need another reminder of that fact. Astrid’s birth date (5/16) is a different story though. That’s the day she became fully “real” in the sense that we finally got to see her, find out she was a baby girl, and say goodbye. The hardest goodbye I’ve ever experienced.
