The sun came out today. Kids decorated my bedroom door with streamers. Surprise delivery of strawberries for dipping from my godparents/aunt & uncle. Two in-person (safe) visits from friends who brought cards and gifts. Takeout for dinner. Butterfly necklace picked out by Shecklet #3 (given to me by all my kiddos to remember Astrid,) as well as a bike helmet, new sharpies, & a beautiful sweater that Jake selected. He also picked up a cake from the grocery store. Cards, texts, and other greetings from family and friends arrived throughout the day. I definitely felt loved!
It’s been months since I treated myself to anything related to my hair. We’re talking pre-covid shutdown.
I decided my upcoming birthday was a good excuse for a cut and color. And since it is 2020, I went bold. Because why not??
I love that my friend is a stylist. It was a treat to be able to catch up on life, kids, school, and everything else while the chemicals did their magic.
I love how it turned out!
Lincoln thinks I look like Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy.
This morning, our family walked in the 2020 NILMDTS Virtual Remembrance Walk in honor of Astrid.
Top: Astridās name was read as part of the virtual ceremony for the remembrance walk. Lower left: The six of us walked together around the neighborhood. Lower right: My SIL gave me Color Street nail strips that were in recognition Pregnancy, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss awareness month. Astridās sisters each had a few fingers with them, too.
We received these flowers and a DQ gift card from friends who chose to remain anonymous. (I have a hunch as to who sent this kind reminder, but will leave it at that.) We are planning to bring DQ to the cemetery on Sunday. It has become our āthingā when we go to visit Astridās grave. (I had mentioned this to one of my friends – hence my hunch.)
Three people (including my hunch) have acknowledged to me that they know this week is likely a difficult one – leading up to my due date of 8/23. Iām so grateful they have been willing to mention that reality, say Astridās name, and allow me to truly share how Iām feeling – no sugarcoating. Iām extremely thankful for the people in my life who allow me to be real and authentic.
We have been given numerous flower arrangements, orchid plants, and stuffed animals, in addition to meals, prayers, and thoughtful gifts from friends who have walked a similar path as we are currently walking. These things have been visual, tangible ways we have felt loved and supported during this surreal time in our lives.
Our girls prayed with friends, a family from our church lit a candle for us in their home chapel while keeping us in prayer, and another family dropped off snacks, items to bring to the hospital, stuffed animals for the girls and yo-yo’s for the boys after hearing Astrid no longer had a heartbeat.
Aunts, uncles & friends have sent these:
My SD family sent us these:
Jake’s brother & SIL sent us this stuffed swan and a matching print that I hung in the girls’ room. (I love that their purchase of the swan and the print equals 15 meals for children in need.) The Psalm reference in the note is Psalm 91:4. “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings.”
Shecklet #4 drew this for me – it’s Astrid in my belly when I was pregnant. I’ve said this before – she was so excited to have a baby sibling come live with us. I wish I could have given her that gift.
A friend of mine gave me this – left on our front porch – after Astrid died. It now sits on my kitchen windowsill next to the āHopeā cross that another friend gave me after our miscarriage back in August 2009. The note in the small box below reads: “A mother’s love is not defined by the number of children she can see, but by the love she holds in her heart.” Franchesca Cox
My SILs, Kari & Stacie, sent this sweet gift in remembrance:
Instead of hand writing thank you notes to everyone who reached out and supported us during our pregnancy, Astrid’s death, and the subsequent weeks, I decided to write a longer letter to friends and family – sharing more about what we went through during my pregnancy and what Astrid’s life and death taught me.
I picked out the brightest envelopes I could find and found stationery to match. Not only did my words contain heart-felt thanks, but the writing process also proved to be therapeutic in a way I didn’t imagine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear family and friends,
My intention was to write individualized thank you notes to everyone who has prayed for, supported, and loved us during what has been one of the most difficult times in our familyās life. As I began to do so, I found myself writing the same message over and over, not because it was superficial, but because it was honest & full of emotion. I felt it was important to share with everyone.
Many of you did not know we were pregnant until we recently reached out asking for prayers and explained what was going on. The pandemic kept us contained at home, so very few saw the visible sign of our pregnancy. Looking back, I suppose this was a blessing as well as a hardship. A blessing in that I didnāt feel the need to tearfully tell everyone who inquired about our pregnancy how our little girl was actually really sick. And a hardship in that it was difficult to not be able to share (in person) with those who care about us.
We had 25 weeks with our sweet little girl. During that time, I would be lying if I didnāt admit that I frequently found myself asking the questions, āWhy is this happening? What could this experience possibly teach me?ā If I stopped to think, I could probably come up with many lessons that Iāve learned, however the ones that stand out the most are the lessons about loving and being loved.
Starting at week 10 of the pregnancy, Jake and I were aware of the possibility of Astrid not having the opportunity to come live with us here on earth. However, we knew from the first appointment that indicated that something was not quite right, that we would give this baby (we didnāt know she was a girl yet) every opportunity to live out her life for as long as God planned. We did not take the time we had with her for granted. We celebrated after every weekly heartbeat check. We thanked God every night for another day with her. We prayed with her and her siblings each evening. She was also part of three birthdays and several holidays including Motherās Day. She heard her siblings speak to her, tell her hello, goodnight, and I love you. She was part of the commotion of daily life, e-learning for her siblings, and evening conversations between Jake and me. I have no doubt in my mind that she knew she was loved. Loving her was easy to do.
Most of you know the last 2.5 years have been challenging ones for our family ā to say the least. There are many layers to those challenges and Iāve been slowly making my way through them. I was talking to my friend, Michelle, in the cemetery after Astridās burial and she shared an observation with me that Iāve been pondering ever since. She told me (lovingly) that for most of my life I have felt that I need to be, or do, or act a certain way in order to receive the love and approval of certain individuals. It is exhausting and the toll it takes on oneās self-esteem is significant. She asked me to look at the last 2.5 years of lifeās challenges from a different perspective. What I have gone through has allowed me to see just how much our friends and other relatives love me as I am ā imperfections and all. (The same goes for Jake and our kids.) People arenāt expecting me to be anyone other than myself, arenāt expecting favors to be returned, and only want to show us love. Standing next to her, I was overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry with gratefulness. My family has been blessed with such wonderful friends and relatives. We really do feel loved. Itās my own insecurities that have made me feel unworthy of the kindness people have shown us. Thatās something I am working on and Astridās brief earthly life and death are helping me continue to do so.
If you are receiving this letter, it is because you have not only made a difference in our journey through the loss of Astrid, but likely the last 2.5 years as well.
We have experienced your love through prayers.
We have experienced your love through meals.
We have experienced your love through cards & flowers.
We have experienced your love through taking care of our kids.
We have experienced your love through text messages and emails checking in on us.
We have experienced your love through memorials in Astridās honor.
We have experienced your love through support at the cemetery.
We have experienced your love through your friendship.
Your gestures, large and small, have shown the six of us how truly loved and supported we are. Thank you.
With gratitude & love,
Jacob, Veronica, Nolan, Lincoln, Ingrid & Helena
(Astrid Philomenaās family)
āBut our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we also await a savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. He will change our lowly body to conform with his glorified body by the power that enables him also to bring all things into subjection to himself.ā Philippians 3:20,21
I stopped at Caribou after having my COVID test this morning. The person in front of my paid for my drink. I had to pull into a parking space because I was so overwhelmed by emotion and shocked that of all the days that this could happen, today is when it did. (Itās never happened to me before.) I wish I could have told the person who treated me how much their kind gesture meant to me.
The OB I saw yesterday contacted the hospital medical director and strongly suggested there be an exception for me should my COVID test result not be back by Saturday morning. He called this afternoon and assured me that I would be admitted regardless of whether the result has been returned. I’m grateful for his persistence. I now have one less thing to be anxious about.
Jake and I have received many emails and text messages offering prayers, love and support since we shared the news of our baby’s heartbeat stopping. One email I received in particular today made me stop and pause. My friend concluded her note saying, “Mary Mother of God, Our Mother, send Roni a rose from heaven to comfort her darling baby home.” Shortly after reading her email, our doorbell rang and a flower arrangement was dropped off on our porch. In the arrangement were three orange roses. The friends who sent the arrangement had no idea the other friend emailed me and said what she did.
UPDATE: 5/15/20 – my friend who sent the arrangement that included roses texted me the following: “I called the florist yesterday and told them the ārest of the storyā of the flowers showing up after you read a friend’s email and the rose and all that. I spoke to the delivery driver. She was in awe, because she said she sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes trying to get her GPS to work on her phone and your address wouldnāt show up… and she was running late. But she wasnāt late, it was perfect timing for you to get the email and THEN the flowers. š¹”
I met with an OB this afternoon to discuss the next steps I will need to take following the news of our baby’s death. He was very kind. I’m scheduled to be induced on Saturday, 5/16. I’ve never been induced before…
I was told I needed to have a COVID test prior to being admitted, so I scheduled that for tomorrow morning. Even with a “rush” put on my test, it isn’t a sure thing the result will be back before I’m supposed to report to the hospital. I’m really hoping that it’s back in time. I have enough anxiety right now. I don’t need to add to it by having to wait longer than Saturday to start the induction.
It’s Jake’s birthday today. The second family birthday we’re celebrating in quarantine-mode. He requested take-out from Ole Piper Inn and an ice cream cake. His sister, Larissa, was also able to join us. (The cake was part of my Walmart pick-up order and was slightly less than perfect, but it couldn’t beat his “Barthday” cake from several years ago.)
For presents, he told me the best one would be getting a text from me after my weekly midwife appointment telling him I heard the baby’s heartbeat. Thankfully the baby was more than happy to give him that gift.
Happy birthday to our witty, fun-loving, and big-hearted Shecklet #2! Heād rather be heading back to school today, but we will make the most out of this time of social isolation by celebrating at home throughout the day – including his dinner choice of spaghetti and pie for dessert. š„³
