Tag: Veronica

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Visiting my baby

Today is a hard day. I’m missing my baby something fierce and the tears are falling hard.

Jake and the other Shecklets are at Nissedalen for the day. (Cousins Day 2020, but with reduced attendance this year. Thanks COVID.) I just didn’t have it in me to fake a smile and pretend I was ok today. One of the things my therapist is challenging me to do is look for ways that I am advocating for myself. I guess the argument could be made that this is one of them – I can grieve how I need to grieve and allow my family to spend the day as they planned. It does make me sad to not be with them – I love watching the kids in the water.

I decided to make a stop at the cemetery and spend some time reading with my littlest Shecklet. My MIL made the sweet suggestion that I bring a favorite kids book and read it by Astrid’s grave. I brought two favorites – one that makes me cry and one that makes me laugh.

Sitting next to my baby’s gravesite, I’m finding a little joy amidst my tears today.

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Therapy appointment #2

Sunday night (7/19/20,) Franciscan University hosted a live stream conference called, Night of Hope. I missed out on the first part of the broadcast (due to not realizing that the times listed were EST.) However, when I did log on, I got to hear Sr. Miriam James Heidland, SOLT, answer a question about vulnerability with the LORD. (At 2:31:20 of the conference video – link above.) What she said could not have been more appropriate for what I’m working on by going to therapy. I feel her response can apply to vulnerability in my human relationships, not just my relationship with God and is a beautiful way to re-frame the difficult, sorrowful, things in life that I’ve experienced.

In case you can’t read my handwriting, here’s what I wrote down from her response.

“The sorrowful mysteries of our life never go away… Until they’re transformed, they don’t allow blessing, they transmit suffering on to other people.”

“Suffering that is not transformed, is transmitted.”

“Allow the LORD into these places.” “Invite the LORD into these places.”

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Nighttime visit

Our friend was driving back east after vacationing out west and stopped to see us…at 10:45pm 😊

It’s been several years since Jake and the Shecklets have seen her. (I saw her a year ago when she was visit for another friend in MN.) I’m so glad she and her family were willing to make a pit stop at our home even though it was so late.

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Thoughts after therapy

I had my first session with a therapist who specializes in pregnancy loss/stillbirth as well as ART therapy (Accelerated Resolution Therapy.) I sat in my car afterwards and made some notes about how I thought the session went, what I thought and felt, and what I want to bring up next time. I plan to try the ART therapy in hopes of it helping me heal from the trauma I’ve experienced.

It’s difficult for me to call my experiences “traumatic,” but I guess when you talk about an emergency ambulance birth (2013,) brain tumor diagnosis (2017,) brain surgery and recovery (2018,) and a stillbirth (2020,) I think the argument can definitely be made for calling those events traumatic. Being that I’m the one who went through those things and I don’t know any different, I think I have coped by telling myself just that – I don’t know life to be any other way than what I experienced, so I just have to keep pressing on. But pressing on after the death of your child is different than pressing on after major surgery. Yes, surgery changed me in many ways, but the things I lost, (hearing, sense of taste, energy level) are things my body has adapted to. The death of my daughter is completely different. She was alive and now she’s not. Yes, my body has physically recovered (mostly) from carrying her for 25 weeks, but my heart is broken. I know I will never be the same person I was prior to my pregnancy. I’ve changed with each one of my kids’ births. But to not have the reason that I am different with me here on earth is hard. It’s not how it “should” be.

I should be pregnant right now.

Astrid was so wanted.

My heart aches knowing that I was only able to hold her body. I never got to hear her cry, see the color of her eyes, or find out if she would have wavy or straight hair. I won’t be part of all of her “first year” experiences. Chances are we won’t have another baby. It’s is difficult knowing that this is how my child-bearing years have ended.

A few years ago we felt as though we were in a good place, meaning we didn’t feel God putting the desire in our hearts to have another baby. When we got pregnant last December, it was a shock and also hard. Starting over at the baby stage sounded overwhelming – especially since we had recently been looking at high school options for Shecklet #1. I questioned how we would balance teenagers and a baby. But as He can always do, God worked on my heart and it didn’t take very long for me to soften up to the idea of starting over. I knew I would have plenty of “help” this time, which would be nice. Those feelings of peace were short-lived. The majority of my pregnancy was spent just focusing on each day – which I suppose is actually a good way to live, but it was also extremely stressful in that I never knew when Astrid’s last day alive within me would be.

She has been gone for 2 months. (Hearing the words, “no heartbeat,” took place two months ago today.) I know for her, that’s not even a blink of an eye, but as her mom, it’s the beginning of a journey I would rather not be on.

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7/11/20 – 8 weeks

How can time go so fast and yet so slow?

8 weeks while pregnant always felt so slow – probably because I always felt so sick. The 8 weeks since Astrid’s death and delivery have gone so fast. I cannot believe that much time has passed.

I am going to see a therapist on Monday. The weight of the last (almost) three years is heavy and even though I have done a lot of work on my own, Astrid’s death made me realize that it would be good to try to work with someone other than myself. I have no idea whether or not this therapist and I will be a good fit, but I’m willing to give things a shot. I want to heal from the hurt of Astrid’s death, the loss of relationships, and the stress, physical and emotional toll that having a brain tumor diagnosis and surgery have had on me.

It’s time.

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Nissedalen – Day 4 – 2020

Storm after storm rolled through over the night. The sun came out and we enjoyed yet another fantastic day. Kids rode their bikes into town for candy and donuts, the moms did a little shopping (we now have matching sweatshirts :)) and Jake and I had a chance to go visit one of his uncle’s cabins on a different lake. We brought back DQ for everyone and had one last round of s’mores by the fire. (As if we needed MORE sugar. ha!)

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Nissedalen – Day 3 – 2020

Stormy morning meant cool temps for a little while. The midday hours did not disappoint. We had hot and humid temps, so the crew hit the water again for tubing. No skiing today – the waves would have made it a challenge.

More storms rolled in shortly after dinner. Lots of rain, thunder, and lightning. Thankfully, no damage at Nissedalen.

Lake hair, don’t care. Having so much fun with this lady and her family!

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Nissedalen – Day 2 – 2020

Another gorgeous day filled with skiing, tubing, fishing, kayaking, floating in the water, grilling for dinner and relaxing by the lake. (And a quick trip to town to visit the Chocolate Ox.)

The moon was beautiful tonight.

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Nissedalen – Day 1 – 2020

This was my view today.

I know I’ve taken similar pictures in the past, but I love this view so much. It is such a relaxing place to be, especially after the last six months. I’m grateful Jake’s grandma is willing to give us the opportunity to vacation here. This summer we were able to bring friends with us. The kids are having so much fun. And it’s only day 1!

Here’s my evening view.