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Tag: Veronica
NILMDTS Remembrance Walk 2020
This year’s remembrance walk is a virtual walk. I ordered a T-shirt (Astrid’s name is on the back) and we will walk together as a family next Saturday. Maybe next year we will be able to join in a live walk again (like we did in support of our friends last fall.)
3rd tallest
I’ve been knocked down a notch. I predicted that Shecklet #1 would pass me up on height by the end of summer. Summer ends in a few days and this happened…
I knew the time had to be close. Recently when he has given me a hug he hugs above my shoulders instead of me being able to hug above his.
Geometry
With Shecklet #2’s right arm in a cast, he has needed a scribe for some of his homework. Tonight I helped him with science and geometry. I’ve enjoyed helping with both. It’s been fun to see how much I remember from taking those classes many moons ago.
Biking on the Cayuga Trail 🚴♂️
We took the Shecklets mountain biking at a state park near Crosby. We met Jake’s uncle there and split into two groups. Jake and his uncle rode with the three older Shecklets and I rode with Shecklet #4. After about two hours or riding, we headed to the skills park. They had a mini course for younger or newer riders and a more advanced one with different levels of skills, similar to what you’d find when you go skiing.
A short time later, our fun came to a stop and we had to detour to the ER. Shecklet #2 attempted a drop off, and he’ll tell you he “landed wrong.” Thankfully, Jake was with him and helped him get down off the course to where Helena and I were at. It didn’t take long to realize an emergency room visit was necessary – #2 couldn’t move his wrist, it was swelling, and he had a substantial gash on his elbow.
After cleaning out his wound (the area was numbed and he was given IV pain meds) they put his arm in a splint – including his elbow. We were told to have the wound looked at on Monday (Labor Day) and re-splinted until we could see an orthopedic doctor later in the week
My aunt and uncle sent us an electronic DQ gift card while were in the ER, which was a sweet surprise and delicious treat after such an eventful day.
NILMDTS
Due to COVID, we weren’t able to have a professional photographer come to the hospital after Astrid was born to take photos for us. We relied on my old iPhone 6S to capture the only pictures we have of our daughter. Thankfully, that worked ok. Definitely not professional quality, but I’m grateful for every one we took.
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) is the organization we would have contacted about sending a photographer to the hospital. Instead, we were able to upload photos to them and have them retouched. What they returned to us (in an amazingly short time,) are beautiful. I cried when I saw them. They did a wonderful job softening Astrid’s skin and lightening it so we could see her delicate features. She was so beautiful.
I hope to make a photo book and not only include the retouched photos but the blog post content I wrote during my pregnancy and after. I think it would be nice to have her story in a book that we can flip through and remember her. I miss her so much!
8-23-2020 – Astrid’s due date
Today is another “should” day.
Today I should be celebrating that my due date has come and that Shecklet #5 can join us anytime.
Instead of that “should,” we picked up DQ (thanks to friends) and visited the cemetery where our little girl is buried – Jake’s parents joined us. (I don’t envision DQ as a treat every time we visit, but I can see it being the way we celebrate her sweet life when we visit on days like 5/16 – the day she was born.) The girls brought flowers from home to lay on her grave.
We don’t have her grave marker yet, so no one else knows where she has been laid to rest. My therapist is holding me accountable by checking in to see that I make progress on having a marker made. It is yet another task I never dreamed I would have to do for one of our kids.
The “shoulds” of her life were cut short. Too short in my opinion, but my opinion is just that, an opinion. I can’t see the big picture that God can see. I’ve had hopes of seeing something good come from her death. I know I’ve experienced one major one – loving my daughter and being loved unconditionally by others who have supported us. But the still-hurting part of me was really hoping that losing her would be the catalyst for reconciling/healing a few relationships that have been broken for almost three years. (I’ve added that to the list of things to discuss in therapy.)
I don’t imagine 8/23 as a day I will reflect on annually. I’m hoping once will be it. It’s a day that never came to be (from a pregnancy standpoint) and I don’t know if I need another reminder of that fact. Astrid’s birth date (5/16) is a different story though. That’s the day she became fully “real” in the sense that we finally got to see her, find out she was a baby girl, and say goodbye. The hardest goodbye I’ve ever experienced.
Music and tears
I’m finally taking a break from cleaning. I’ve kept busy vacuuming, moving furniture, cleaning and resealing tile grout, and washing the kitchen/dining room floor. (Jake took the kids up north for another Saturday of fun at the lake.) My current Amazon Music playlist is blasting throughout the house and it’s making me cry. I suppose it’s my fault; I picked the songs. As I get closer to what should have been my due date, I’m finding myself feeling the big emotions again. Ugh. Grief sucks.
Here’s what’s hitting my heart tonight:
Rose hunt 🌹
I took the kids on a rose hunt in a local suburb. We tracked down over half of the 20 statues scattered throughout the city. It was fun to see the different ways that the artists used paint and other mediums to decorate the 3D canvases.
I don’t have many photos of just me with the Shecklets individually, so I made sure to capture them today.
Another day at the lake
We’ve been fortunate enough to make several trips to Nissedalen this summer. Today is the second Saturday in a row that the kids have spent the majority of the day in their swimsuits being pulled behind a boat. They are at such a great age for having fun in the water and playing independently. (I spent most of the day watching them from the shore – in the shade.)
No photos of the day, just memories I’m keeping in my head. I hope the kids are able to do the same <3