Solitude…1.5 years later

One and a half years ago I was waking up “on the other side” of surgery with a new lease on life, but unable to see straight or walk without assistance.  Tonight I’m walking a relatively straight line by myself and using this quiet time to reflect a little.

The doctors told me that I would see huge improvements in the first 6 months post-op with additional slower/smaller improvements possible over 1.5 – 2 years post-op. Most of the time, when people ask how I’m doing, my response is, “I’m doing really well.  I’m grateful that I only have minimal side-effects to deal with.”  And that’s the truth.  I cannot be more happy with how well things have gone post-surgery.

There is a reality that I’m facing though.  In reaching the 1.5 year post-op mark, I’m most likely now at what could be considered my “new normal.”  I knew before surgery that I would come out of it SSD and there was the possibility of nerve damage.  And let’s be honest here – I had BRAIN surgery.  You don’t go through something like that and remain the same.

I have grieved losing my hearing in my right ear and feel like I have adjusted pretty well overall.  But that doesn’t mean being SSD, having no sense of taste on half of my tongue, the constant ringing in my deaf ear (tinnitus,) and fighting fatigue aren’t frustrating.  (They’re very frustrating in certain situations – I just try hard to hide that frustration.)  There are days where I wish I didn’t have to tell my kids 137 times, “I can’t hear you,” or “Wrong side.”  There are times when I wish I could thoroughly enjoy the flavor of a meal or dessert.  I will likely always have to manage fatigue (due to physical exertion as well as sensory overload.)  I have also found that my agitation threshold is much lower than it used to be – my brain can only take so much stimulation before it has had enough.  The agitation and fatigue are the most challenging side-effects for me, but I’ve gotten much better at recognizing when they’re coming on and either remove myself to take a walk or a nap – depending on which one I’m dealing with.  I’m extremely grateful for a supportive husband and kids who quickly learned that mom just needs breaks to recharge – like the opportunity I got tonight.