November is a month when we remember our loved ones who have died. Trusting in God’s goodness, we believe our little girl is a saint in heaven and is waiting and praying for us until we can meet her again one day.
There’s a saying I’ve seen on the internet that has brought me comfort when I find myself missing Astrid.
“…and to think, the first thing she saw when her little eyes opened was the face of Jesus.” 💕
The ache of missing her doesn’t go away, but there is no sadness or worry about her being alone. I know she is in the best company possible and I look forward to joining her one day.
Astrid’s photo is part of the display of members of the parish who died in the past year.
As with almost everything else 2020, Halloween is a bit different this year. The Shecklets did different activities today. (We opted to skip door to door trick-or-treating this year.)
Shecklet #2 did this with his friend:
Shecklet #1 and Shecklet #3 did this with Grandma & Grandpa:
And Shecklet #4 went trunk or treating at our church. Kids typically dress up as a saint for our parish’s annual All Saints Day party. This year, all on her own, #4 said she wanted to be St. Philomena in honor of her baby sister. I may or may not have gotten a little misty-eyed when she told me her plan.
This morning, our family walked in the 2020 NILMDTS Virtual Remembrance Walk in honor of Astrid.
Top: Astrid’s name was read as part of the virtual ceremony for the remembrance walk. Lower left: The six of us walked together around the neighborhood. Lower right: My SIL gave me Color Street nail strips that were in recognition Pregnancy, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss awareness month. Astrid’s sisters each had a few fingers with them, too.
This year’s remembrance walk is a virtual walk. I ordered a T-shirt (Astrid’s name is on the back) and we will walk together as a family next Saturday. Maybe next year we will be able to join in a live walk again (like we did in support of our friends last fall.)
Due to COVID, we weren’t able to have a professional photographer come to the hospital after Astrid was born to take photos for us. We relied on my old iPhone 6S to capture the only pictures we have of our daughter. Thankfully, that worked ok. Definitely not professional quality, but I’m grateful for every one we took.
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) is the organization we would have contacted about sending a photographer to the hospital. Instead, we were able to upload photos to them and have them retouched. What they returned to us (in an amazingly short time,) are beautiful. I cried when I saw them. They did a wonderful job softening Astrid’s skin and lightening it so we could see her delicate features. She was so beautiful.
I hope to make a photo book and not only include the retouched photos but the blog post content I wrote during my pregnancy and after. I think it would be nice to have her story in a book that we can flip through and remember her. I miss her so much!
Today I should be celebrating that my due date has come and that Shecklet #5 can join us anytime.
Instead of that “should,” we picked up DQ (thanks to friends) and visited the cemetery where our little girl is buried – Jake’s parents joined us. (I don’t envision DQ as a treat every time we visit, but I can see it being the way we celebrate her sweet life when we visit on days like 5/16 – the day she was born.) The girls brought flowers from home to lay on her grave.
We don’t have her grave marker yet, so no one else knows where she has been laid to rest. My therapist is holding me accountable by checking in to see that I make progress on having a marker made. It is yet another task I never dreamed I would have to do for one of our kids.
The “shoulds” of her life were cut short. Too short in my opinion, but my opinion is just that, an opinion. I can’t see the big picture that God can see. I’ve had hopes of seeing something good come from her death. I know I’ve experienced one major one – loving my daughter and being loved unconditionally by others who have supported us. But the still-hurting part of me was really hoping that losing her would be the catalyst for reconciling/healing a few relationships that have been broken for almost three years. (I’ve added that to the list of things to discuss in therapy.)
I don’t imagine 8/23 as a day I will reflect on annually. I’m hoping once will be it. It’s a day that never came to be (from a pregnancy standpoint) and I don’t know if I need another reminder of that fact. Astrid’s birth date (5/16) is a different story though. That’s the day she became fully “real” in the sense that we finally got to see her, find out she was a baby girl, and say goodbye. The hardest goodbye I’ve ever experienced.
We received these flowers and a DQ gift card from friends who chose to remain anonymous. (I have a hunch as to who sent this kind reminder, but will leave it at that.) We are planning to bring DQ to the cemetery on Sunday. It has become our “thing” when we go to visit Astrid’s grave. (I had mentioned this to one of my friends – hence my hunch.)
Three people (including my hunch) have acknowledged to me that they know this week is likely a difficult one – leading up to my due date of 8/23. I’m so grateful they have been willing to mention that reality, say Astrid’s name, and allow me to truly share how I’m feeling – no sugarcoating. I’m extremely thankful for the people in my life who allow me to be real and authentic.
I’m finally taking a break from cleaning. I’ve kept busy vacuuming, moving furniture, cleaning and resealing tile grout, and washing the kitchen/dining room floor. (Jake took the kids up north for another Saturday of fun at the lake.) My current Amazon Music playlist is blasting throughout the house and it’s making me cry. I suppose it’s my fault; I picked the songs. As I get closer to what should have been my due date, I’m finding myself feeling the big emotions again. Ugh. Grief sucks.
