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Tag: kids
Thoughts after therapy
I had my first session with a therapist who specializes in pregnancy loss/stillbirth as well as ART therapy (Accelerated Resolution Therapy.) I sat in my car afterwards and made some notes about how I thought the session went, what I thought and felt, and what I want to bring up next time. I plan to try the ART therapy in hopes of it helping me heal from the trauma I’ve experienced.
It’s difficult for me to call my experiences “traumatic,” but I guess when you talk about an emergency ambulance birth (2013,) brain tumor diagnosis (2017,) brain surgery and recovery (2018,) and a stillbirth (2020,) I think the argument can definitely be made for calling those events traumatic. Being that I’m the one who went through those things and I don’t know any different, I think I have coped by telling myself just that – I don’t know life to be any other way than what I experienced, so I just have to keep pressing on. But pressing on after the death of your child is different than pressing on after major surgery. Yes, surgery changed me in many ways, but the things I lost, (hearing, sense of taste, energy level) are things my body has adapted to. The death of my daughter is completely different. She was alive and now she’s not. Yes, my body has physically recovered (mostly) from carrying her for 25 weeks, but my heart is broken. I know I will never be the same person I was prior to my pregnancy. I’ve changed with each one of my kids’ births. But to not have the reason that I am different with me here on earth is hard. It’s not how it “should” be.
I should be pregnant right now.
Astrid was so wanted.
My heart aches knowing that I was only able to hold her body. I never got to hear her cry, see the color of her eyes, or find out if she would have wavy or straight hair. I won’t be part of all of her “first year” experiences. Chances are we won’t have another baby. It’s is difficult knowing that this is how my child-bearing years have ended.
A few years ago we felt as though we were in a good place, meaning we didn’t feel God putting the desire in our hearts to have another baby. When we got pregnant last December, it was a shock and also hard. Starting over at the baby stage sounded overwhelming – especially since we had recently been looking at high school options for Shecklet #1. I questioned how we would balance teenagers and a baby. But as He can always do, God worked on my heart and it didn’t take very long for me to soften up to the idea of starting over. I knew I would have plenty of “help” this time, which would be nice. Those feelings of peace were short-lived. The majority of my pregnancy was spent just focusing on each day – which I suppose is actually a good way to live, but it was also extremely stressful in that I never knew when Astrid’s last day alive within me would be.
She has been gone for 2 months. (Hearing the words, “no heartbeat,” took place two months ago today.) I know for her, that’s not even a blink of an eye, but as her mom, it’s the beginning of a journey I would rather not be on.
Color in darkness
We have been given numerous flower arrangements, orchid plants, and stuffed animals, in addition to meals, prayers, and thoughtful gifts from friends who have walked a similar path as we are currently walking. These things have been visual, tangible ways we have felt loved and supported during this surreal time in our lives.
Our girls prayed with friends, a family from our church lit a candle for us in their home chapel while keeping us in prayer, and another family dropped off snacks, items to bring to the hospital, stuffed animals for the girls and yo-yo’s for the boys after hearing Astrid no longer had a heartbeat.
Aunts, uncles & friends have sent these:
My SD family sent us these:
Jake’s brother & SIL sent us this stuffed swan and a matching print that I hung in the girls’ room. (I love that their purchase of the swan and the print equals 15 meals for children in need.) The Psalm reference in the note is Psalm 91:4. “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings.”
This print with a quote from St. ZĂ©lie Martin is one I absolutely love was given to me by two different people. It sits on the dresser in our bedroom.
Shecklet #4 drew this for me – it’s Astrid in my belly when I was pregnant. I’ve said this before – she was so excited to have a baby sibling come live with us. I wish I could have given her that gift.
A friend of mine gave me this – left on our front porch – after Astrid died. It now sits on my kitchen windowsill next to the “Hope” cross that another friend gave me after our miscarriage back in August 2009. The note in the small box below reads: “A mother’s love is not defined by the number of children she can see, but by the love she holds in her heart.” Franchesca Cox
My SILs, Kari & Stacie, sent this sweet gift in remembrance:
7/11/20 – 8 weeks
How can time go so fast and yet so slow?
8 weeks while pregnant always felt so slow – probably because I always felt so sick. The 8 weeks since Astrid’s death and delivery have gone so fast. I cannot believe that much time has passed.
I am going to see a therapist on Monday. The weight of the last (almost) three years is heavy and even though I have done a lot of work on my own, Astrid’s death made me realize that it would be good to try to work with someone other than myself. I have no idea whether or not this therapist and I will be a good fit, but I’m willing to give things a shot. I want to heal from the hurt of Astrid’s death, the loss of relationships, and the stress, physical and emotional toll that having a brain tumor diagnosis and surgery have had on me.
It’s time.
Nissedalen – Day 6 – 2020
We stayed an extra day so we could see one of Jake’s cousins who we haven’t seen since last fall. It was great to see her and meet the friends she is spending time with this week at Nissedalen.
After lunch, we took Jake’s grandma to visit Jake’s uncle, another cousin and her kids. We went on a pontoon ride, the kids swam and tubed, and we sat on the dock and chatted. It was another amazing day. I don’t think we could have asked for better weather than we have had this week.
Grandma Lois treated all of us to pizza before we loaded up our truck to head home. We are returning with sun-kissed cheeks and a week of fun memories đź’•
Nissedalen – Day 5 – 2020
We had amazing weather all week. More tubing and skiing today. Shecklet #2 and our friend skied together, which was fun to watch!
After our friends headed for home – to recover from the week at the lake – we took the kids for dinner (A&W) and stopped at one of the local go-kart places. I predicted that Shecklet #2 would race the fastest and try to lap his siblings, Shecklet #3 would try to keep up with Shecklet #2, and Shecklet #1 would drive at his own pace, not affected by either #2 or #3. My prediction was correct. Shecklet #4 wasn’t interested in racing, so she gave the climbing wall a try.
Nissedalen – Day 3 – 2020
Stormy morning meant cool temps for a little while. The midday hours did not disappoint. We had hot and humid temps, so the crew hit the water again for tubing. No skiing today – the waves would have made it a challenge.
More storms rolled in shortly after dinner. Lots of rain, thunder, and lightning. Thankfully, no damage at Nissedalen.
Lake hair, don’t care. Having so much fun with this lady and her family!
Nissedalen – Day 2 – 2020
Another gorgeous day filled with skiing, tubing, fishing, kayaking, floating in the water, grilling for dinner and relaxing by the lake. (And a quick trip to town to visit the Chocolate Ox.)
The moon was beautiful tonight.
Nissedalen – Day 1 – 2020
This was my view today.
I know I’ve taken similar pictures in the past, but I love this view so much. It is such a relaxing place to be, especially after the last six months. I’m grateful Jake’s grandma is willing to give us the opportunity to vacation here. This summer we were able to bring friends with us. The kids are having so much fun. And it’s only day 1!
Here’s my evening view.
Buried at the lake
We met friends at a local lake today. There is shade to sit in and watch the kids play on the beach or in the water. It was a great place to be on a hot day.
Shecklet #2 let Shecklet #1 bury him in the sand.
